Top 16 Things Bill Gates would change about the Automotive Industry
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.
In response to Bill Gate’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker – a first.
14. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
15. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.
16. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.
Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the “Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Buy a SUV
10. EVERYONE ELSE drives one!
9. Too much vehicle for too much money.
8. Sucks more fuel than…well it just sucks!
7. Are you REALLY going to take that shiny new $40,000 SUV off road?
6. How can you “rough it” with a leather interior?
5. They’re just cheap pickup trucks with back seats for an extra $20,000+.
4. They’re too dang big!
3. Inferior overall safety.
2. Just like Chevy Chase’s Family Truckster Wagon, except with four wheel drive.
1. Lemmings drown!
Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur
10. Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.
9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4×4 pickup truck frame.
8. Thinks “roughing it” is camping at a KOA campground.
7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.
6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.
5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.
4.Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).
3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.
2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.
1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.
How To Identify A Driver’s Home
One hand on wheel,
One hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel,
One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel,
One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
*with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel,
One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel,
One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado
One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
Automobile Manufacturer’s Acronyms
Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia’s Curse Upon Rural America
Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
A Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?
Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Moron’s Car
Another Major Catastrophe
Another Mess of Crap
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Break My Window
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Brutal Money Waster
Butt Ugly Import Car Killer
Butt Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky
Built Under the Inspection of a Crazy Korean
Bought Understanding It Can’t Kickbutt
Crazy Aunt Drives It Like A Lunatic Across the Country
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer
Can’t America Make A Real One?
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Rattle On Long Trips
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle Over Loud Engine Tapping
Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Cruddy Hick Engine Very Yucky
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Yearly
Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative’s
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likeable Engineering Research
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair
Cherry Hot Rod You Can’t Outrun
Chrysler Has Run Your Chebby Off
Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters
Detroit’s Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
Death Overcomes Driver’s Generous Ego
Driven Only During Grey Evenings
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Department Of Defense’s Grossest Error
Don’t Over Drive Gutless Engine
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad’s Garage Experiment
Every Day Something Else Leaks
Failure In Automotive Technology
Fix It Again Tony
Fix It Alltha Time
F**ked In the Ass Twice
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation
F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Flip over read directions
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Rockville Dump
Fails On Rainy Days
Fastest On Race Day
Fastest On Road Daily
First On Race Day (proven false)
Fourth On Race Day (of the “Big Three”, fourth is pretty bad!)
First On Recall Day
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Found On Road Dead
Found On Rubbish Dump
Four Old Rusty Doors
Fool Only Runs Downhill (expletive replaced)
Driver Returns On Foot (backwards)
Fault Of R&D;
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
F’in’s Owner’s Really Dumb
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Freaky Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
Fork Over Repair Dough
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Forward Only, Reverse Defective
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Get Everyone Out
Grotesque Engineering Outdated
Getting Even Ourway
Got Engine, Oh?
Get ‘Er Outtahere
Good Engineering Overlooked
Get a Mopar!
Garage Mechanics Companion
General Mass of Crap
Generally Mediocre Cars
Got a Mechanic Coming
Got More Crap
Get More Chicks
Great Muscle Cars
Garage Man’s Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Get Tickets Often
Get Tires Often
Helping Out Nips Destroying America
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Had One Never Did Again
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive
Idiot Runs Over Cats
Ignorant Redneck Owns Car
I’m Really Out of Cash
Italian Retard Out Cruising
I Race Other Cars
I Race On Credit
I Run Over Children
It’s Really Only a Camaro
Jags Always Guarantee Unlimited Astronomical Repairs
Just Eats Every Part
Just Everyone Elses Parts
Just Empty Every Pocket
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Long Term Debt
Lousy Transportation Dammit
Long Term Disability
Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along
Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
Making A Zillion Dollars Annually
Money Envy Reliably Causes every Derogatory Expletive to Surface
Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle
Mileage’s Everything; Torque, Running’s Out
Mangey Environmentalist Transporter Rusts On
My Endeared Transportatin Rusted Out
Martha, Every Thing Rattles Off!
May Every Thing Rattle On
May Endure Teasing, Ridicule, and Ostracism
Might Go Backwards
My Intention: Always To Accelerate
May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
Made Of Plastic And Rubber
Most Often Passed At Races
Most Often Proven At the Racetrack
Most OverPowered And Respected
Massively OverPowered And Respected
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mounds Of Power And Revs
Move Over, Pentastar Approaching Rapidly
MOst Perfect Automobiles for Racing
Masters Or Performance and Racing
Mitsubishi’s Over Priced American Replicars
My Old Pig Ain’t Running
My Old Pig Always Roars
My Old Plymouth Ain’t Runnin.
More Overall Performance And Reliability
Mostly Obsolete Parts Assembled Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
My Only Problems Are Repairs
Move Over People Are Racing
Massively Ugly Sh*tpile That’s Always No Good
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan
Now in Stupid Shape, Always Nasty
One Leak, Dead Starter
Older, Louder, Dumber, Slower
Obnoxious, Loud Death Sled
Oh Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
Put In Nickel To Operate
Performance Is Not The Object
Put In New Transmission Often
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Pyrotechnics Is Naturally The Object
Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!
Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap
Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It’s A Cadillac
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
Phased Out Racer-Still Can’t Hold Engine
Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have ‘Em
Plainly Runs Only By Exception
Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash
Send Another Automobile Back
Slick As A Brick
Swedish Auto – Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Swedish Auto’s Are Best
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backward
Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
U R A BUS (read backwards)
Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Taking Our Yen Out — Thanks All
Transportation Of Young Or Tasteless Airheads
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid
The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Stop Those Pistons
Never Any Parts Available
What a Car Really Says About Its Owner
Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura Legend- I’m too bland for German cars
Acura NSX- I am impotent
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette
Chevrolet Corvette- I’m in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge Dart-I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ford Escort – I’m a red-headed nanny
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo Storm- I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol- I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord- I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45- I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse-I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6-I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia Sephia- I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis- (See above)
Mercedes 500SL- I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL- I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata- I do not fear being decapitated by an 18- wheeler
MGB- I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante- I don’t know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX- I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass- I just stole this car and I’m going to make a….
Peugeot 505 Diesel- I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon- I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AM- I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 944- I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow- I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2- (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy- I have always wanted a Japanese car even more
Toyota Camry- I am still in the closet
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet- I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus- I am tripping right now
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am frightened of my wife
Warning: These jokes are of a more adult nature!
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets and tells him, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy, and your invention…the assembly line for the automobile … changed the world !!!!
“As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.”
Ford thinks about it, and says … “I want to hang out with God Himself.” So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.
Ford then asks God, “When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?”
God asks, “What do you mean?”
“Well,” says Ford, “You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There’s too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few.”
“Hmmm…,” replies God, “Hold on a minute.”
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, “It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.
The Vaseline Corvette
A guy driving through the countryside comes upon a weird sign advertising a red ’68 Corvette that runs on Vaseline. The farmer who owns it tells him to take it for a test drive, “but don’t go too far ’cause it’s low on Vaseline.” Off the guy goes, and it roars up to 100 mph and runs perfectly. But a short time later, it sputters and fails.
Meanwhile, at a nearby farmhouse, a family is just finishing dinner. The wife is proud of the meal she’s prepared and suggests that she should not have to do the dishes. The older of two daughters says she has a date and cannot do the dishes. The younger daughter says she can’t do them because she has homework. The father says he is the man of the house and should not have to do dishes. He suggests a solution. “Let’s all go into the living room and sit down, and the first person who says a word has to do the dishes.”
Meanwhile, the driver makes his way to the farmhouse, knocks, and gets no reply. He sees the family sitting stone-faced in the living room and knocks again. No response. So he walks in and says, “I knocked, but no one answered. What’s the deal?” Not a word from the family. The man notices leftovers on the table and asks if he might eat them. Not a word, so the man eats his fill. “May I have a beer?” he asks, and again gets no response, so he helps himself to a half-dozen of them.
Maybe it’s his imagination, but he notices the older daughter giving him the eye. “I’d like to make love to your daughter,” he says to the farmer. Taking the lack of response as a yes, they go off together. On his return, he has a few more beers. “How about the other daughter?” he asks, and off they go. Soon he’s proposing the same for the farmer’s wife, and getting no response, he has his way again. It’s getting dark, and the man realizes he must get going. He returns once more to the living room and asks the family if they have any Vaseline.
“All right, all right,” says the farmer, “I’ll do the damn dishes.”
The Elephant And The Ant
An elephant and an ant are walking through the forest when the ant falls into a deep pit. The ant cries out to the elephant to get him out of the hole. The elephant sticks his penis into the hole, and the ant uses it to get out of the hole. They continue walking when a short time later, the elephant falls into a deep hole. The elephant cries out to the ant to help him get out of the hole. The ant gets a Porsche and throws it into the hole. The elephant than uses the Porsche to climb out of the hole.
The morale of the story: If you have a big penis, you don’t need a Porsche!